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breaking free from codependency
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Below are the 10 most recent journal entries recorded in codependency's LiveJournal:

Sunday, October 21st, 2007
9:42 am
A cautious step ....
Some time ago the old LJ codependence community was deleted without warning for copyright violations for quoting the daily reading from Melody Beattie's The Language of Letting Go from Hazelden's Thought for the Day.

I would like to get back into discussing those daily readings, but I want to be super-careful to make sure that this community doesn't get deleted for the same reason, even though I think that the use of some attributed quotations from the source material falls within the scope of what is called "fair use."

I think it would probably be safe if only the link to the Hazelden site is posted, without quoting anything from The Language of Letting Go, and we post only our own thoughts about the daily reading. Regardless of my own opinion about "fair use," we should be extra-careful and not quote the reading itself at all. People who don't have their own copy of The Language of Letting Go can simply follow the link to the Hazelden site to check out the daily reading. What do you think?
Tuesday, September 19th, 2006
12:12 am
This is not as on-topic, but I think it could deal with codependency issues, like in terms of relationships.
From here:

Synchronicities are people, places or events that your soul attracts into your life - to help you evolve or to place emphasis on something going on in your life. The more 'consciously aware' you become of how your soul creates - the higher your frequency goes and the faster your soul manifests. Each day your life will become filled with meaningful coincidences - synchronicities - that you have attracted - or created in the grid of your experiences in the physical.


Examples of Synchronicity
A well-known example of synchronicity involves plum pudding. It is the true story of the French writer Emile Deschamps who in 1805 is treated to some plum pudding by the stranger Monsieur de Fontgibu. Ten years later, he encounters plum pudding on the menu of a Paris restaurant, and wants to order some, but the waiter tells him the last dish has already been served to another customer, who turns out to be M. de Fontgibu. Many years later in 1832 Emile Deschamps is at a diner, and is once again offered plum pudding. He recalls the earlier incident and tells his friends that only M. de Fontgibu is missing to make the setting complete, and in the same instant the now senile M. de Fontgibu enters the room by mistake.

You meet someone who interests you and touches your soul. Through synchronicity - that person seems to come into your life over and over again. You begin to feel a destiny with that person. You begin to think with your heart instead of your head. You connect with that person. In some cases the karma between the two people is positive - but in many cases you have attracted that person into your life for a learning lesson whether you are aware of it or not.

You can consider an event synchronistic when an inner experience such as a dream, vision, or other form of deja vu prepares you for the physical event.

- There are in your life when financial difficulties seem to have no end. Yet there is always enough money for basic expenses...rent, food, utilities. Finances seem to appear where and when they are needed.

- You have just received your last check from unemployment when suddenly a job comes along.

- You walk into a book store not knowing what to buy, and the book you need falls from a shelf and practically hits you over the head.

You have been feeling ill with no apparent cure. You are out for the day and meet someone who knows a doctor or healer with the answers.

- There is a sudden relocation which seems to be for one reason, and you find much more than you bargained for.

- You finally end a bad relationship and immediately another partner comes into your life.

- You feel depressed and can't find focus in your life and the next person you talk you says something that brings you the guidance you need.

- Everyone's favorite.....You drive to a place where parking is "next to impossible" and someone pulls out of a parking spot or it is just waiting for you.
Monday, September 18th, 2006
11:45 pm
signs of unhealthy personal boundaries
1. Telling all.
2. Talking at an intimate level at the first meeting.
3. Falling in love with a new acquaintance.
4. Falling in love with anyone who reaches out.
5. Being overwhelmed by a person - preoccupied.
6. Acting on the first sexual impulse.
7. Being sexual for your partner, not yourself.
8. Going against personal values or rights to please others.
9. Not noticing when someone else displays inappropriate boundaries.
10. Not noticing when someone invades your boundaries.
11. Accepting food, gifts, touch, or sex that you don't want.
12. Touching a person without asking.
13. Taking as much as you can get for the sake of getting.
14. Giving as much as you can give for the sake of giving.
15. Allowing someone to take as much as they can from you.
16. Letting others direct your life.
17. Letting others describe your reality.
18. Letting others define you.
19. Believing others can anticipate your needs.
20. Expecting others to fill your needs automatically.
21. Falling apart so someone will take care of you.
22. Self-abuse.
23. Sexual and physical abuse.
24. Food and chemical abuse.
11:43 pm
symptoms of untreated codependency
from wikipedia.org: controlling behavior, distrust, perfectionism, avoidance of feelings, intimacy problems, caretaking behavior, hypervigilance or physical illness related to stress . Codependence is often accompanied by depression, as the codependent person succumbs to feelings of extreme frustration or sadness over his or her inability to make changes in the other person's (or persons') life.

*Note there is that which is developed in childhood (from the family) as well as adult codependency (by being around control freaks, drug addicts, etc). It is described as a "...deeply rooted compulsive behavior."

from recovery-man.com/coda: Emotional problems such as depression, anxiety, relationship dysfunctions, and cycling between hyperactivity / lethargy are evident in many codependents.

Physical problems often result from untreated codependency. These may include: gastro-intestinal disturbances, colitis, ulcers, migraine headaches, non-specific rashes and skin problems, high blood pressure, insomnia, sleep disorders, and other stress related physical illnesses.

Recovery from Codependency is deep work based on shifting our relationship with ourselves. We may have to let go If the people in our lives are unwilling to work through their issues. "Firing" the people we were codependent with may be a part of that, but remember - codependency is about us, not them! Recovery from codependency involves learning to take responsibility for our own actions, feelings behavior, issues and lives.
Monday, January 23rd, 2006
7:19 pm
CODA info
I felt the need to post these here today.

The Twelve Steps of Co-Dependents Anonymous

1. We admitted we were powerless over others - that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and lives over to the care of God as we understood God.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being, the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other co-dependents, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

The Twelve Steps reprinted and adapted with permission of Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.
Friday, October 14th, 2005
12:03 am
The old codependence community
If anyone is looking for the old codependence community, it was deleted because of the "Thought for the Day from Hazelden." Hazelden objected to the daily posts as a copyright violation. So, unless something is eventually worked out with Hazelden for an agreed "fair use" of the material, that is the end of that.
Wednesday, December 31st, 2003
4:15 pm

Hi. I am Heather. I am 27, and the adult child of an alcoholic who was the adult child of an alcoholic married to an adult child of an alcoholic... I'm sure you all get the picture.

It is New Year's Eve, less than one hour from jammin out of work, and I sit here thinking of how it seems like no matter how many meetings I've done in my past, no matter how long I work for the Center for Drug and Alcohol, my feelings will never change. I am resentful of my father, and I am resentful of drugs and alcohol. Sure, their existence has made me who I am- tough, determined. But add to that bitter, and sometimes I have thought I am just a psycho bitch.

I don't speak with my father anymore. My father stopped drinking when I was 10, but he was just as unbearable- verbally and emotionally abusive, narcissitic, a jackass in general. He was physically abusive towards my mom and brother, and I have PTSD so I sometimes can't remember all of the details. My parents had a horrible awful no good very bad relationship. They ruined every holiday I can think of, including my Highschool graduation, and I was tossed out on my ass on my 21st birthday ( though I was only there in the summer) by my dad because my mom had left him and he was mad at me because I had taken her side. I never felt it was taking sides but if you call supporting her decision to leave him taking her side, then I guess I was. My dad went off the deep end eventually, destroying the house and smoking crack and sleeping with whores and who the hell else knows what- though supposedly he never drank- isn't that a hoot? Then he wrote me a letter telling me about it. For my college graduation and 22nd birthday.

We have spoke a few times since, but really I know nothing about him, except to say that my brother went to live with him in Cali, and said to me at some point that being with dad is like being with Jack Nicholson in "The Shining" every day of your life. I found that funny, in my sick and sad way. And I wondered how the hell Derek ever forgot he was like that. I thought we all knew. That,I remember.

I have pondered lately am I getting better, because I seem to be in some ways. As of tomorrow, I will have been with a most wonderful man for a year. So, its probably not that I'm better, but that he doesn't bring out the sick behaviors in me. I can still feel them in me sometimes. And really, isn't it codependent for my moods and feelings to be based on someone else's behaviors, good or bad? Or maybe it shows I am getting better, because at least he isn't abusive, irresponsible, or have drug or alcohol problems like other men I have been in relationships with. That's good at least.

But I am writing this today because I feel like things are going out of control again. Robbie's dad is very very sick from drugs and alcohol,and the family is on the verge of trying to have him committed.  I am so so upset over it. It makes me want to rant and scream and fix things and run away and all these different things at the same time. I really really like his Dad, and I feel so damn resentful right now.

And I am afraid, because I don't know what's healthy anymore. Do I allow myself to get upset? Do I get involved if his family asks for help (because of my job)? Do I ignore it?

Happy New Year. :/


Current Mood: sad
Sunday, December 28th, 2003
11:19 am
I dont know how to feel right now...
He messaged me today..
To say he was sorry
Who knows why... doesnt make me feel better either way
He said I scared him...I think he had a few reasons..
I told him that wasnt the way he was acting before
All I know is I'm sad

He said he would like to get to know me
Funny huh
I think I would have been better off if he never tried to contact me...
Not really sure why he did
Maybe he wanted to clear himself
Clear his conscience
All I know is I'm sad

I really don't know what I'm doing
I am at a loss
Someone told me I was codependant
Of course I am
Someone told me I gotta get them before they get me
Maybe thats true

All I know is
I never used anyone
I never told anyone that I cared when I didn't
I dont know what to fix here
Do I have to be alone
While Im working on getting better
Am I ever gonna get better?

I feel like I have been run over by a truck
Trying to figure out what I did this time
Confused as hell
My head is swimming
My stomach is on fire
I am almost catatonic
I feel like I been smoking crack for about 2 days
Not that I smoke it but
I used to years back years and years
I remember that feeling of not being able to move
when there was none left and
the good feeling was gone.
I feel betrayed
by people
Friends told me that I can be too much sometimes
I am a burden that tells me
I know they dont mean it that way
I just feel betrayed
One of my more unhealthier friends said
That I fall for anyone that is cute and gives me attention
That just made me cry
I'm that transparent
Im just sad and
I feel lost and unprepared
for what I will have to face tomorrow
Someone suggested , in fact lots did
That I make a list
and do one thing on it
Just one thing
Get It done
I have to go forward for my kids
But I am in the hospital partially
I am in Alanon
Nothing is working
10:14 am
Sunday, December 28th, 2003

I am one of those people that wants what I dont have, not being grateful for what I do have. I just read a saying:

I cried because I had no shoes, until I saw a man that had no feet.

Well, I guess you could say my saying goes,

I cried because I had no shoes, until I lost my feet.

Seems like the things that I do have are leaving me, my friends that I do have. Then people tell me well, they werent your friends then. Well I think they get so frustrated with me and can't take that I make the same mistakes over and over.

You know I like to write. I don't know, I think that I can express myself better.

You know, for some reason, God wants me to learn a very hard lesson that I just don't want to learn. Something that I am being stubborn about.It is strange, I am being so stubborn about it that, it may actually do me in I fear. Well, there is one thing that is good. If it is that hard to conquer, if I actually do ever overcome it, I will have changed in a way that I never have before.

Now , there are a lot of things that I have overcome. I was very shy when I was little, I had a terrible drug habit years ago, ummm...I used to be scared of dogs, lol. Thats all I can think of this for now. I distinctly remember though, with the drug addiction, asking God to take that desire away from me. That pretty muck did it, that and never wanting to feel the same way that I did that last time.

Also, I think I have been trying to pin a lot of blame on people. Even though maybe their actions did affect my life, I guess I can't or shouldn't dwell on it.

Well, they say we are right where we should be. I guess. They say everything is as it should be. I guess. Guess I'm gonna have to start thinking that to apreciate and keep my feet.
Tuesday, December 30th, 2003
11:10 am
Ummm, I did a lot of writing today. I want to know why.. why I feel that I need this man in my life so much. I was thinking, what can he give me that I think I need . Well, for one thing, human touch. I want hugs , I want to be held. Another thing I think I need is to be taken care of, like rescued. Rescued from the life I have now. Maybe I think that all this is gonna go away if I have a man in my life. Codependancy has been defined in many ways. Some say it means you are dependant on people. Some say you are attracted to unhealthy people. Basically , I guess it means you get addicted to people. My, thing is that I get addicted to men. Once I like a guy, I rotate my world all around him. Dont go out at this time cuz he might call. Dont make plans becuase he might want to do something with me. Why isnt he calling , he said he would! What did I do wrong? Why did he stop seeing me? He told me , he promised he wouldnt hurt me. This is my fault. I am unlovable. OK well, this last episode really sucked. I am hurting so much over it that I know I am codependant. I guess I will have to talk about it later though. Not ready yet. I hope more people join , lol. That way I know I'm not the only one that sucks.
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